Tel Que Tu Es

Home again

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 18:15:38 GMT

Traveling is a pain. I still love airplanes but I don't mind if it's a while before I'm on one again. Airports are the worst; how dare they lose our bags twice in one trip! The US should have more churrascarias. Bananas and maracuja are dessert staples. I need to cook more. iPhones are lifesavers. Airplane mode might not work that well though. Indoors need heat and a/c!!! I never remember to put my seat back on the airplane and seven-odd hours on it gave me a stiff back. Fantasy books are the best, who cares if they're not all literature? I hate having to wait for new manga chapters when the last chapter I have is so juicy (but love those hardworking scanlators!) I wish I was more proficient at Portuguese (and knew how to read Japanese, Korean, and Chinese so raws would be a blessing). I soak up stories of any kind... now if only I could stick with writing one without getting stumped about where next to take it. Family is great, their food is too. I am a tupperware thief, I have so much of my mom's containers floating around here she has none left. Zach Galifianakis is the god of humor. There is an actor on a Brazilian soap opera that looks like he could be Bradley Cooper's long lost brother. Brazilian soap operas are really dramatic (in a silly way). I think the same show came on more than once a day more than once a week. I missed my dog, but now she's exhausted from nearly two weeks of living with her brother. She's the most beautiful dog I've ever seen (and I think she knows this and plays it to her advantage). I'm aware that life is beautiful, but sometimes it's easy to forget how wonderful the simple things really are. Luckily, I often notice these simple things. I'm nothing if not observant. "I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend; lucky to have been where I have been; lucky to be coming home again." Indeed.

Papa's 53rd Birthday.

Sat, 02 May 2009 04:05:53 GMT

Kimi Ni Negai Wo by Miyavi (English Translation):

Even in the dream of that fading day,
even the dusty figure of the future,
because you were always there looking on
even on the most fragile days
even on the road which only detours
I'm getting over it, and am able to exist here even now.

Just what am I lifting, I wonder?
Just what couldn't I lift, I wonder?
Although ever since then I've tried questioning myself,
No matter how many times the door to my heart is knocked on
Even if deep inside my chest my heartstrings are pulled out to look at
all that will come out will only be pleasant memories of fun..
It's simply that, I have always loved you.
That's all, although it's just that,
that was all that was in me.
And even now, I love you without change.

There was a day when in the pretty starry night sky
we lined up to make our wishes
although those wishes have already been forgotten
it would be good if this moment could continue
and we remembered only all the things we thought about.
Now if you think about it, making that wish was good wasn't it?
However, it seems that God isn't here.
At the moment you became a star, I made a vow.
I do not need a God.
You over there, if only you had stayed.

Even today, the town without you
was as its usual rushing, restless self.
It was quite like doing nothing, coming to an end.
With the months and years that trot past
and in the middle of the softly moving seasons,
suddenly I think of going to look up at the night sky.
And then, I quietly made a wish.
A wish upon you who became a star.

「It's alright now, because I can stand by myself」

But then hey, it's because I'm not alone right?
That's right, I'm living your share too.
You also, have always been living inside me.
That's why, again just like that time
Always be by my side to watch over me.

somewhere in my memory
you are drowning slowly
rendered formless
flowing with the whispers
of my past thoughts
a gauzy film
through which you pass
tears from you a moment had
the toll paid you float on
into an unfathomable abyss
a chilling atmosphere
liquid drops ascend
and travel to the dull orbs
that are my eyes
glittering in a strange way
the recollection brings life to them

.........................

perhaps you might live
in the fading rays of light
washing over me yet
all the same evading sight
i cannot actually touch you
but i feel your faint warmth

Gushy musings

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 17:27:06 GMT

Well I can't pretend this is for anyone but myself, but here goes. I wonder what things have changed in myself over the years, because sometimes it takes that amount of time to really know you are a different person. After only 22 years I feel so much has happened in my life, although it might not be as much as others. I remember the progression of close friends; my best friend and first love, Tiago; beloved pets: Ivory, Muffin, Cali, and Simba who have all passed away, and Leeloo, Bubba, Butters, Rocky and Jet. I remember the places I've been and the people I've met, and I understand the importance of all that has come before. My father who is always in my heart, and I miss him every day. I think of my wonderful family, complete with 4 grandmothers and 3 grandfathers, aunts, uncles, and many cousins. All the schooling I've had, and how it has come to shape my mind which I rely upon as so much air. All the music to which I've been exposed and how it's helped me develop a taste for beauty in sound and creation. Talents I've seen that I could never possess, and technologies developed that seem beyond the human ability. I don't know what I can contribute to this beautiful world, but I revel in my place in it. Despite my recurrent pessimism I can see what is important to me and understand that I have affected people as much as they have affected me. Even if I don't value myself always, I respect my ability to value something in everything I see. I'm constantly inspired by the beautiful souls I encounter and I know that I strive to be a better person. I think effort counts for something, even if I fear failure in the outcome. I love the place I'm at now, it's so much better than last year. I never felt this kind of elation before in my life. I don't know if I can share it with everyone, I wish I could better show the person I am inside - to be seen and understood exactly as I am. But that can never happen, so I have to try to better express myself as I mean. Human fallibility and imperfection is so refreshing, to know that everyone is not inherently superior.

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 03:51:15 GMT

Once upon a time, there was a girl who loved chocolate. And she lived happily ever after.

I am a happy happy girl.

Thu, 22 May 2008 17:07:08 GMT

And it feels awesome.

What took me so long?

Regret

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 15:04:02 GMT

Sometimes I'm still not sure if things are going the way I want them to. What am I supposed to do with my life? There are no guarantees to anything and people inevitably keep things from even the closest of loved ones. It is a constant awareness of not being able to fully know what it is on one's mind that is just so frightening about human relationships. Can you ever truly know someone? You only know what that person chooses to show you and the moment that seems to change, when perhaps something conflicts with previous depictions, it prompts some sort of resentment. But where do I stand now? I know there is no such thing as turning back, and that you cannot change things such as human emotions; still regret exists to deal with that. Regret hangs over me just as keenly as it did yesterday. I'm just that kind of person.

Life is full of surprises

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 23:39:39 GMT

And sometimes they are really awesome.

A lot of things seem to be falling into place. Tiago and I have been dating for 4½ years and are planning to move in together come summer's end. In many ways I find this relationship to have been very unexpected. I know for many people things like love don't just happen, but I was lucky how well we fit together. It has definitely not been perfect, nor has it been particularly easy, but it's very rewarding to have someone who loves you and stays beside you despite all the difficult times. I am thankful and occassionaly find myself thinking Wait a sec... I have a BOYFRIEND?! Someone LIKES ME?! OK God, you were there for me on that one, dude.

Among other things, I've admitted to myself and loved ones some hard things and I'm coming a long way dealing with them. I've always been the isolated, hide the weakness type of person so it's been a very long time coming and quite a bit of damage was done just because of my attitude towards it. I'm seeing a huge improvement especially in my relations with people. So far it's stifled my poetry a bit, but that's the only drawback :P

Especially endearing to me is the newest little friend, Leeloo. She's the little runt puppy Tiago decided to adopt. She's proving to need a lot of attention, but we're glad to give it. I know I've been missing that warm presence of a dog since I left Scranton. I'm definitely not a cat person, especially when my unique cat-dog Simba passed away nearly a year ago.

School's also coming together along with improved parent-child relations. I guess I'll try and work with the old bats ;) Something I have always been aware of is the importance of my family. It is very central to me and whether it's good, bad, or indifferent they're there for the long haul.

Yesterday a little girl told me I had beautiful eyes and it was the first time in a long time I was moved by a compliment.

/Yayness

despite popular belief no one deserves to die

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 04:57:23 GMT

Not that I'm going to talk about that. But I was indeed having my usual deep thoughts moment. Lately, I've been able to put my incessant questions to the back burner but it's not as though I shouldn't allow myself to think for God's sake. Yet, once I start putting something down into words it feels like something is lost. Maybe that's why I don't think I could ever be a writer. There's too much of a draw to writing about what I know and think and feel. I'm not always confident it's right to let it all out. But at the same time, I'm disappointed in myself. Mostly disappointed in how much I tried to hide parts of myself that are integral to who I really am. I'm not sure there's any point to anything in life, but I do know it makes little sense to look at it that way. I still have trouble with the idea of life being about happiness and enjoyment... maybe I'm just some kind of masochist at heart. I always think I'm on the verge of figuring it all out only to realize I'm even further from it than before. But I can appreciate complexity, I'm just not so sure those around me can.

And now for something completely different!

what do all these have in common?
-damp leaves
-raspberry bushes
-honeysuckle vines
-fresh cut grass
-halls cough drops
-men's deodorant
-watermelon
-echo by davidoff
-coffee
-brownies
-bananas
-popcorn
-gasoline
-chocolate chip cookies
-winter cold
-right before it rains

well it was pretty obvious, things i think smell good (yes some are weird choices).

Þæs ofereode, þisses swa mæg

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 06:33:29 GMT

There are moments in my life I wish to return to and moments in my life I long to forget. Even my theoretical knowledge knows how important those things are, but there have been times when I didn't want to remember either. I can't decide, but I think perhaps feeling numb is worse than feeling sad. To think that nothing matters and nothing has any real value is something that breeds the kind of loneliness you can never be rid of. And you could probably then distance yourself from everything in your life. Somehow though you know it's a lie and there's a part of you that wants people to know, that wants to be seen as you really are without all the masks that you put on. It's those moments that are probably the scariest, when your heart and your head are completely at odds. You don't realize that it could all just fall apart, that honesty just might be the worst answer. But even if it has some unforeseen consequences you might be able to think of it as at least for one moment being completely honest with yourself. And being honest with yourself is not that easy.

Are human beings inherently flawed? I remember once hearing that we have a hole inside of us that only one thing can fill, even though the one I heard it from purports God to be the only thing to fill it I think maybe it's not that limited. Or maybe the human concept of God is just too limited. I don't know why we humans spend so much time categorizing and judging. In the end what is it worth?

"Adapt yourself to the things among which your lot has been cast and love sincerely the fellow creatures with whom destiny has ordained that you shall live."
"Be content with what you are, and wish not change; nor dread your last day, nor long for it."
"Be content to seem what you really are."
"Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth."
"I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinions of himself than on the opinions of others."
"How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it."
"Let not your mind run on what you lack as much as on what you have already."
"Life is neither good or evil, but only a place for good and evil."
"Loss is nothing else but change, and change is Nature's delight."
"The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it."
"Time is a sort of river of passing events, and strong is its current; no sooner is a thing brought to sight than it is swept by and another takes its place, and this too will be swept away."
"When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love."
-Marcus Aurelius (my soul-mate)

looking forward

Fri, 18 Jan 2008 06:18:38 GMT

I'm resisting the habit of looking backward. It may have only caused me harm. I think things are ok. I wonder if I smile more?

What do you think life is about?

Sun, 21 Oct 2007 05:30:21 GMT

"Life... life... it's an egg. A boiled egg, three for a dollar; in other words, it's not a big deal! Whether they're nice or not, still three for a dollar..."
-Drunk guy from a Korean drama

For Tiago

Mon, 20 Feb 2006 01:20:25 GMT

In My Life - The Beatles

There are places I'll remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain

All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life, I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these mem'ries lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

i carry your heart with me - e e cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Please Don't Stop Loving Me - Elvis Presley

Please don't stop loving me
You were born just to be in my arms
In my arms
Please don't stop loving me
Your lips were made just to be kissed by me
Kissed by me

When I'm with you
I don't know day from night, wrong from right
You are my world, that's all I know
I love you so, I won't let go

Please don't stop loving me
Darling you'll always be mine alone
Mine alone

You're My Home - Billy Joel

When you look into my eyes
and you see the crazy gypsy in my soul
it always comes as a surprise
when I feel my withered roots begin to grow.

Well I never had a place
that I could call my very own
but that's all right my love
cuz you're my home.

When you touch my weary head
and you tell me everything will be all right.
You say use my body for your bed
and my love will keep you warm throughout the night.

Well I'll never be a stranger
and I'll never be alone
wherever we're together
that's my home.

Home could be the Pennsylvania turnpike
Indiana's early morning dew
high up in the hills of California
home is just another word for you.

Well I never had a place that I could call my very own
but that's all right my love
cuz you're my home.

If I travel all my life
and I never get stop and settle down
long as I have you by my side
there's a roof above and good walls all around.
You're my castle, you're my cabin
and my instant pleasure dome.
I need you in my house
cuz you're my home,..
you're my home.

Sonnet 116 - William Shakespeare
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
admit impediments. Love is not love
which alters when it alteration finds,
or bends with the remover to remove:

O no! It is an ever-fixed mark
that looks on tempests and is never shaken;
it is the star to every wandering bark,
whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
within his bending sickle's compass come:
love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
but bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Love's Philosophy - Percy Bysshe Shelley

The fountains mingle with the river,
And the rivers with the ocean,
The winds of heaven mix forever
With a sweet emotion;
Nothing in the world is single;
All things by law divine
In one another's being mingle;--

Why not I with thine?

See the mountains kiss high heaven
And the waves clasp one another
No sister flower would be forgiven
If it disdained its brother;
And sunlight clasps the earth,
And the moonbeams kiss the sea;
What are all these kissings worth
If thou kiss not me?

How Do I Love Thee? - Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,--I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!--and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Evening Song - Sidney Lanier

Look off, dear Love, across the sallow sands,
And mark yon meeting of the sun and sea;
How long they kiss in sight of all the lands,
Ah! longer, longer we.

Now, in the sea's red vintage melts the sun
As Egypt's pearl dissolved in rosy wine
And Cleopatra-night drinks all- 'tis done,
Love, lay thine hand in mine.

Come forth, sweet stars, and comfort heaven's heart,
Glimmer, ye waves, 'round else unlighted sands;
Oh night! divorce our sun and sky apart-
Never our lips, our hands.

I Have No Life But This - Emily Dickinson

I have no life but this,
To lead it here;
Nor any death, but lest
Dispelled from there;
Nor tie to earths to come,
Nor action new,
Except through this extent,
The Realm of You!

one of my own:

there's beauty in your voice
and strength in your arms
each twist and turn i make
is soon calmed by your charms
and if i struggle against you
for fear of letting go
your eyes become a beacon
for love only we know
words may come between us
and others they may too
but through it all
i'll forever be with you
for outside the world is dead
and no more joy is wrought
you are the greatest gift
of any i was bought
moments of indecision
countered by instances like this
in which i consider your love
and your ever enchanting kiss
i find myself at a loss
whenever i am without you
and it is beyond me
how i could ever doubt you
i love you for your kindness
your beauty and your brains
i love you for your understanding
your sweetness and your thanks
i love you for all of this
but so much more unsaid
the kind of things you don't forget
the kind that remain undead
your warm embrace is there to welcome me
whenever i go astray
i know i'll always love you
i feel it grow each passing day
so if you come to wonder
how i can question you
please understand the way i am
and what undying love can do

I love you, Tiago, more than you could ever know.

I'm feeling you Hamlet.

Wed, 14 Dec 2005 04:30:04 GMT

"To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action."