Kimi Ni Negai Wo by Miyavi (English Translation):

Even in the dream of that fading day,
even the dusty figure of the future,
because you were always there looking on
even on the most fragile days
even on the road which only detours
I'm getting over it, and am able to exist here even now.


Just what am I lifting, I wonder?
Just what couldn't I lift, I wonder?
Although ever since then I've tried questioning myself,
No matter how many times the door to my heart is knocked on
Even if deep inside my chest my heartstrings are pulled out to look at
all that will come out will only be pleasant memories of fun..
It's simply that, I have always loved you.
That's all, although it's just that,
that was all that was in me.
And even now, I love you without change.


There was a day when in the pretty starry night sky
we lined up to make our wishes
although those wishes have already been forgotten
it would be good if this moment could continue
and we remembered only all the things we thought about.
Now if you think about it, making that wish was good wasn't it?
However, it seems that God isn't here.
At the moment you became a star, I made a vow.
I do not need a God.
You over there, if only you had stayed.


Even today, the town without you
was as its usual rushing, restless self.
It was quite like doing nothing, coming to an end.
With the months and years that trot past
and in the middle of the softly moving seasons,
suddenly I think of going to look up at the night sky.
And then, I quietly made a wish.
A wish upon you who became a star.

「It's alright now, because I can stand by myself」

But then hey, it's because I'm not alone right?
That's right, I'm living your share too.
You also, have always been living inside me.
That's why, again just like that time
Always be by my side to watch over me.

( When I wish upon you. )

Well I can't pretend this is for anyone but myself, but here goes. I wonder what things have changed in myself over the years, because sometimes it takes that amount of time to really know you are a different person. After only 22 years I feel so much has happened in my life, although it might not be as much as others. I remember the progression of close friends; my best friend and first love, Tiago; beloved pets: Ivory, Muffin, Cali, and Simba who have all passed away, and Leeloo, Bubba, Butters, Rocky and Jet. I remember the places I've been and the people I've met, and I understand the importance of all that has come before. My father who is always in my heart, and I miss him every day. I think of my wonderful family, complete with 4 grandmothers and 3 grandfathers, aunts, uncles, and many cousins. All the schooling I've had, and how it has come to shape my mind which I rely upon as so much air. All the music to which I've been exposed and how it's helped me develop a taste for beauty in sound and creation. Talents I've seen that I could never possess, and technologies developed that seem beyond the human ability. I don't know what I can contribute to this beautiful world, but I revel in my place in it. Despite my recurrent pessimism I can see what is important to me and understand that I have affected people as much as they have affected me. Even if I don't value myself always, I respect my ability to value something in everything I see. I'm constantly inspired by the beautiful souls I encounter and I know that I strive to be a better person. I think effort counts for something, even if I fear failure in the outcome. I love the place I'm at now, it's so much better than last year. I never felt this kind of elation before in my life. I don't know if I can share it with everyone, I wish I could better show the person I am inside - to be seen and understood exactly as I am. But that can never happen, so I have to try to better express myself as I mean. Human fallibility and imperfection is so refreshing, to know that everyone is not inherently superior.

Once upon a time, there was a girl who loved chocolate. And she lived happily ever after.

And it feels awesome.

What took me so long?

Sometimes I'm still not sure if things are going the way I want them to. What am I supposed to do with my life? There are no guarantees to anything and people inevitably keep things from even the closest of loved ones. It is a constant awareness of not being able to fully know what it is on one's mind that is just so frightening about human relationships. Can you ever truly know someone? You only know what that person chooses to show you and the moment that seems to change, when perhaps something conflicts with previous depictions, it prompts some sort of resentment. But where do I stand now? I know there is no such thing as turning back, and that you cannot change things such as human emotions; still regret exists to deal with that. Regret hangs over me just as keenly as it did yesterday. I'm just that kind of person.

And sometimes they are really awesome.

A lot of things seem to be falling into place. Tiago and I have been dating for 4½ years and are planning to move in together come summer's end. In many ways I find this relationship to have been very unexpected. I know for many people things like love don't just happen, but I was lucky how well we fit together. It has definitely not been perfect, nor has it been particularly easy, but it's very rewarding to have someone who loves you and stays beside you despite all the difficult times. I am thankful and occassionaly find myself thinking Wait a sec... I have a BOYFRIEND?! Someone LIKES ME?! OK God, you were there for me on that one, dude.

Among other things, I've admitted to myself and loved ones some hard things and I'm coming a long way dealing with them. I've always been the isolated, hide the weakness type of person so it's been a very long time coming and quite a bit of damage was done just because of my attitude towards it. I'm seeing a huge improvement especially in my relations with people. So far it's stifled my poetry a bit, but that's the only drawback :P

Especially endearing to me is the newest little friend, Leeloo. She's the little runt puppy Tiago decided to adopt. She's proving to need a lot of attention, but we're glad to give it. I know I've been missing that warm presence of a dog since I left Scranton. I'm definitely not a cat person, especially when my unique cat-dog Simba passed away nearly a year ago.

School's also coming together along with improved parent-child relations. I guess I'll try and work with the old bats ;) Something I have always been aware of is the importance of my family. It is very central to me and whether it's good, bad, or indifferent they're there for the long haul.

Yesterday a little girl told me I had beautiful eyes and it was the first time in a long time I was moved by a compliment.

/Yayness

Not that I'm going to talk about that. But I was indeed having my usual deep thoughts moment. Lately, I've been able to put my incessant questions to the back burner but it's not as though I shouldn't allow myself to think for God's sake. Yet, once I start putting something down into words it feels like something is lost. Maybe that's why I don't think I could ever be a writer. There's too much of a draw to writing about what I know and think and feel. I'm not always confident it's right to let it all out. But at the same time, I'm disappointed in myself. Mostly disappointed in how much I tried to hide parts of myself that are integral to who I really am. I'm not sure there's any point to anything in life, but I do know it makes little sense to look at it that way. I still have trouble with the idea of life being about happiness and enjoyment... maybe I'm just some kind of masochist at heart. I always think I'm on the verge of figuring it all out only to realize I'm even further from it than before. But I can appreciate complexity, I'm just not so sure those around me can.

And now for something completely different!

what do all these have in common?
-damp leaves
-raspberry bushes
-honeysuckle vines
-fresh cut grass
-halls cough drops
-men's deodorant
-watermelon
-echo by davidoff
-coffee
-brownies
-bananas
-popcorn
-gasoline
-chocolate chip cookies
-winter cold
-right before it rains

well it was pretty obvious, things i think smell good (yes some are weird choices).

There are moments in my life I wish to return to and moments in my life I long to forget. Even my theoretical knowledge knows how important those things are, but there have been times when I didn't want to remember either. I can't decide, but I think perhaps feeling numb is worse than feeling sad. To think that nothing matters and nothing has any real value is something that breeds the kind of loneliness you can never be rid of. And you could probably then distance yourself from everything in your life. Somehow though you know it's a lie and there's a part of you that wants people to know, that wants to be seen as you really are without all the masks that you put on. It's those moments that are probably the scariest, when your heart and your head are completely at odds. You don't realize that it could all just fall apart, that honesty just might be the worst answer. But even if it has some unforeseen consequences you might be able to think of it as at least for one moment being completely honest with yourself. And being honest with yourself is not that easy.

Are human beings inherently flawed? I remember once hearing that we have a hole inside of us that only one thing can fill, even though the one I heard it from purports God to be the only thing to fill it I think maybe it's not that limited. Or maybe the human concept of God is just too limited. I don't know why we humans spend so much time categorizing and judging. In the end what is it worth?

"Adapt yourself to the things among which your lot has been cast and love sincerely the fellow creatures with whom destiny has ordained that you shall live."
"Be content with what you are, and wish not change; nor dread your last day, nor long for it."
"Be content to seem what you really are."
"Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth."
"I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinions of himself than on the opinions of others."
"How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it."
"Let not your mind run on what you lack as much as on what you have already."
"Life is neither good or evil, but only a place for good and evil."
"Loss is nothing else but change, and change is Nature's delight."
"The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it."
"Time is a sort of river of passing events, and strong is its current; no sooner is a thing brought to sight than it is swept by and another takes its place, and this too will be swept away."
"When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love."
-Marcus Aurelius (my soul-mate)

I'm resisting the habit of looking backward. It may have only caused me harm. I think things are ok. I wonder if I smile more?

"Life... life... it's an egg. A boiled egg, three for a dollar; in other words, it's not a big deal! Whether they're nice or not, still three for a dollar..."
-Drunk guy from a Korean drama